bisquickgoddess (bisquickgoddess) wrote,

White lies and what we genuinely believe

Anyone who has read this blog for awhile knows that I don't care for my grandmother. In fact, I can't stand her. And unfortunately, I've allowed thinking on my pending trip to see her to eat into my valuable stress-out-over-proposal time.

My mother raised me to be polite, and polite people send thank you notes when they receive gifts. Since all attempts at courtesy where my grandmother is concerned are carried out out of consideration for my parents, it was of course necessary to send a thank you note for money I received this holiday. As I was finishing up my note this evening, I realized I ought to put in a line about looking forward to seeing her since a date for the visit has been set (typically it's an "I wish I could see you" line). And I felt all my resentment well up because I am dreading this visit and God forbid a whisper of it should ever get to her. I wonder sometimes if she would change her behavior if she could just see for a minute how she appears in the eyes of her grandchildren. I would be horrified if I saw a picture of myself of what I see in my grandmother.

It kills me to sign notes with "Love" when I don't mean it. I have relatives I do love and regard, whom I am assured love me as well, and don't guilt trip me while they do genuinely want to see me. I'm not sure whether my grandmother has anyone like that, which certainly is sad, but very telling. I want to be a good person and do right by my grandmother, but the charade is emotionally draining and she seems to be in good health for the time being. Not sure how I'll handle this.
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