bisquickgoddess (bisquickgoddess) wrote,
bisquickgoddess
bisquickgoddess

In which I reflect upon my indecision

Hi, LJ. My last month has been marked by undue worrying and anxiety. I suppose I need to schedule myself an appointment with the psychologist I saw over the summer. I just feel bad about taking time off because I feel like I've taken a lot off already. I had a cold that took awhile to go away and then came back. That was a couple trips to student health. I was diagnosed with an ear infection and given antibiotics. My hearing aid also died on me, and while it was apparently a minor fix, the audiology clinic is a good walk from where I work and that took time.

I do have good news. One of the complexes I'm working with crystallized spontaneously and I got an X-ray structure of it. This means a lot for the direction of my project and hopefully gives me a foothold to spring from between now and my candidacy exam in February (I won't even go into how anxious that makes me). The complex is cationic and exists in two forms in solution (I don't know if these are in equilibrium or not). It takes at least overnight for it to isomerize to give these forms, and apparently if takes that long for it to do anything in one form. This complex reminds me so much of myself, it's cute.

I spent Thanksgiving in Quito, Ecuador, with my sister. I wish I could say without any hesitation that it was a great time. It was extremely difficult and I actually broke down in tears while we were sitting at a restaurant. I feel like I can't communicate what I want to say or say what it is that's wrong when something bothers me. It occurred to me that I so desperately want people to be happy and want to avoid conflict sometimes that I can't say anything because I won't say what it is that I may want to say. My sister likes to point out that I often don't view things from others' points of view. And yes, I know that. But I feel like I can't know how others feel or think and thus I can't see their point of view. And I feel like I'm a failure because I can't understand others.

My rational side, damn it forever, likes to remind me that we appropriate the term "failure" for the smart-but-unmotivated, the vapid and shallow, the comically stupid criminals. After feeling together for so long I guess I should say I "have issues." I dwell on things.

The next month promises to be busy. We're done with gen chem lab. The kids turn in their last lab report and check out this week. I might have a busy social calendar this month, so I'm glad the grading ends by next weekend. Actually, I might be going somewhere next weekend, so maybe I'll grade during the week. Like I keep telling myself I will.
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